


it feels like coming home

by HerDiamonds



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Five Stages of Grief, It has a soft ending, Miscarriage, tw: depression, y’all im really sorry for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-16
Updated: 2020-05-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:47:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24214672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HerDiamonds/pseuds/HerDiamonds
Summary: There’s her ex–or–whatever Sara is to her, standing there at her door looking more broken than Ava had ever seen her before. She unlocks the door, pulling it open and giving Sara a once over, seeing her bloodshot eyes, puffy cheeks and reddened nose. Sara can’t help but let the next round of tears start flowing freely down her cheeks as Ava’s eyes met hers. She steps forward to pull Sara in the apartment before speaking.“Oh, Sara.”“I lost the baby.” It comes out as barely a whisper.orwhat if Sara was pregnant?(hi, yes I know, I promise its worth the read though)
Relationships: Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Comments: 22
Kudos: 151





	it feels like coming home

**Author's Note:**

> hello, I would like to formally apologize for this fic. I’ve had the idea floating around in my head for a while to do a miscarriage fic with avalance and I really hurt myself writing this. I cried really hard and actually got super overemotional at one point and had to stop writing it because it became too much for a hot minute. I am really sorry. apparently this was just something I needed to get out there though. 
> 
> anyway, I truly am sorry please feel free to yell at me all you want.

Ava’s sitting on the couch in her pajamas and silk robe overtop of them, listening to the true crime documentary on the TV as she types up notes on her laptop for work. She hears the faint sound of a knock on her door and checks her watch, confused at why someone had knocked on her door past nine. Getting up, she flicks on the outside light, looking through the peephole and frowns.

There’s her _ex–or–whatever_ Sara is to her, standing there at her door looking more broken than Ava had ever seen her before. She unlocks the door, pulling it open and giving Sara a once over, seeing her bloodshot eyes, puffy cheeks and reddened nose. Sara can’t help but let the next round of tears start flowing freely down her cheeks as Ava’s eyes met hers. She steps forward to pull Sara in the apartment before speaking.

“Oh, Sara.” Ava’s eyes are soft as she reaches out, but Sara stops her before Ava can pull her in the apartment.

“I lost the baby.” It comes out as barely a whisper and within seconds, Ava is pulling Sara into her arms, and Sara breaks.

Ava toes the apartment door shut with her foot as she guides Sara further into the apartment. “Do you want to ta–”

“No.” Sara says quietly.

“Okay.” Ava breathes. She doesn’t push any further.

It’s silent in the room and the tension is thick, but still, neither of them say anything. Ava guided them into the living room, out of the hallway as they continue to just stare at one another in silence. Sara’s eyes are pressed closed, trying to keep the hot tears at bay, but they continue to spill down her cheeks. She can feel Ava’s eyes on her and she wishes it would all just go away. She doesn’t even know why she showed up here. All she feels right now is pain and numbness and all she wants to feel is nothing.

“I need a drink.” Sara says, finally opening her eyes and looking towards the kitchen.

Ava doesn’t say a word but walks over to the kitchen cabinet, pulling out a bottle of whiskey and grabbing two small glasses, pouring a moderate amount of amber liquid into each glass before returning and handing on to Sara who was now seated on the couch.

Sara swirls the drink around in her glass before bringing it up to her lips and swallowing some back, feeling it burn in all the right ways. She squeezes her eyes shut as another round of tears soon grace her face.

Ava watches on as Sara finishes her drink in three easy swigs, before she stares on at Ava. Ava knows, and she gets up, taking Sara’s glass from her and pouring her another drink, this time much fuller than the last.She hands it back to Sara and she sees the look in the blonde’s eyes, a silent _thank you_ lying unspoken on her lips. Ava nods a small nod in response as she turns back to the chair in her living room and takes a seat, picking up her own drink again and taking a small sip, feeling it burn as it slides down her throat.

It’s way past midnight by the time Sara’s spread out on her couch, sleeping peacefully. Ava can see the dried tear stains on her face and the empty tumbler of whiskey sitting on her coffee table in front of the woman. She’s conflicted on what to do, due to the tense situation they had been in, but before she can overthink it, she walks over to Sara, sliding one arm under the blonde’s shoulders and the other under her knees, hoisting her up. Carefully, she carries Sara’s sleeping form up the stairs and down the hall to her own bedroom. She lays her down on the bed, gently, pulling the blanket from the foot of the bed and covering Sara up. She backs up against the edge of the doorframe, leaning against it as she watches Sara sleep peacefully for a moment.

Ava pulls the door closed and grabs a blanket and extra pillow from the hall closet and makes her way downstairs and back to the couch. She tosses the items down before grabbing the glasses off the coffee table and putting them in the sink for morning. She returns to the couch, stretching out and pulling the blanket over her before settling down and letting sleep pull her away.

Ava’s phone is buzzing on the coffee table in front of her and she blinks her eyes open, seeing Gary’s name flashing on the screen. She answers the phone and pulls it up to her ear to speak.

_“Director Sharpe, where are you? It’s already eight-thirty_.” Gary says worriedly.

“I–I’m not coming in today Gary. I have some personal things going on. I’m not sure when I'm going to be back, yet. I’ll work from home as much as I can.” She says softly, glancing towards the stairs.She talks for another few moments, half listening to Gary ramble on a moment before she bids him a goodbye and hangs up the phone.

She sits up on the couch, listening for a moment, trying to see if she could hear if Sara was awake yet but it’s to no avail. She stands up, pulling her robe tighter across her body and pads into the kitchen, grabbing a tall glass and filling it with water from the sink. She stands for a moment, debating on whether to make Sara something to eat yet, but decides against it, just taking the water and grabbing the bottle of Advil from the cabinet before heading for the stairs.

Her room is still dark and she knocks softly, but there’s no answer. She opens the door carefully and quietly, cringing at the creaking the door makes as she opens it. Her eyes lock on the body lying on her bed and waits for movement but nothing happens. She slips into the room quietly and sets the glass of water down on her nightstand, the bottle of medicine next to it before she walks out of the room and goes back down the stairs. She grabs her laptop from her work bag and a few of the files she had with her before setting herself a workstation up on the couch and coffee table, getting to work, already behind.

Ava’s mid sentence, filling out a report in her files when she hears the shuffling of feet upstairs. She pauses her writing, listening. She can hear the faint flush of the toilet before the sink and then the soft click of the door opening after another moment.

She decides in the moment, pushing her work aside and stands up, headed for the kitchen. She pulls open her refrigerator door and pulls out the carton of eggs and butter before turning towards the stove. She quickly whips up a couple of scrambled eggs and a few pieces of toast before plating them and grabbing a fork and a mug full of coffee, heading for the stairs. Balancing the plate and the mug, she walks up the stairs and opens her bedroom door this time without even knocking.

The sunlight’s now shifted, and she sees a stream of light casting on Sara’s body in bed, the smaller woman curled up in the fetal position, the blanket tucked tightly around her body. Sara’s back is to her and Ava can’t see her face, but she knows she’s probably awake so she speaks softly as she makes her way further into the room, stopping on the side of the bed away from Sara.

“I made you breakfast.” She says softly.

Sara doesn’t respond.

She doesn’t even acknowledge Ava’s presence in the room.

“I’ll just leave it on the nightstand. It’s just some eggs, toast and coffee.” She adds carefully before stepping out of the room.

She gets more work done on her laptop, typing away for most of the day before her stomach grumbles andshe realizes its already pushing seven. She decides on calling in for dinner, ordering enough Thai food for the both of them and paying for it when it arrives before carrying a plate of it up to her room for Sara, noticing the breakfast she left was mostly still untouched, minus a few bites of toast and half the cup of coffee.

She continues working downstairs, eating as she goes, well into the night before finally calling it. She pushes her laptop to the side, throwing away the boxes of take out and lying back down on the couch, pulling the blanket over her body and settling down, willing sleep to come.

Ava wakes up on the couch again, repeating her actions from the previous morning. This morning she decides on bringing Sara just a bagel, toasting it up and smearing the cream cheese on top before setting it on a plate grabbing the coffee and carrying it up the stairs. Sara’s not awake yet but she sets the plate down, grabbing the seemingly untouched take out from the night before and taking it back downstairs with her to throw away.

She makes herself busy again, talking with Gary on the phone and seeing how he was running things from the office before having him send her over more files she can work with from home. The day goes by in a haze as she works away and before long, she walks into the kitchen, pulling out ingredients for dinner; spaghetti. She boils the noodles and heats up the pre–made jarred sauce in a pot before piling some noodles into a bowl, topping it with sauce and parmesan cheese. She turns off the stove and eats quickly before grabbing a bowl for Sara along with a fresh glass of water, heading up the stairs.

She goes to switch out the plate from that morning, the bagel missing barely three bites, and sets down the bowl of spaghetti. “I made spaghetti. It’s not homemade though.” She says. She doesn’t know why. Half the time Sara isn't even awake when she brings her food, and she can’t even tell either, due to Sara’s back always facing her as she’s curled up in a ball. She looks the smallest Ava’s ever seen her and it’s breaking her heart to see Sara this way.

“Stay.”

It’s barely a whisper. A quiet, hoarse voice, heavy with sorrow.

Ava’s hand was already on the door, ready to walk out. The leftover breakfast plate in her hand.

“Stay, please.” She hears again.

She feels her heart drop and she almost looses her grip on the plate in her hand.

Before she even knows what she’s doing, Ava’s crossing the room, setting the plate down and pulling the comforter of her bed back and sliding in next to the shell of the woman she once knew. She lies on her back for a moment and the air in the room is tense. It’s quiet and Ava doesn’t know what to say or even do or what’s even acceptable or right in this situation. She turns on her side, facing Sara’s back and gently runs her fingertips down Sara’s upper arm. She feels Sara flinch at the action, but quickly settle.

Ava trails her fingers on Sara’s arm for a moment longer before resting her arm down and reaching for Sara’s hand, tangling their fingers together.

“Is this okay?” She asks, scooting closer and holding Sara against her.

Sara doesn’t answer, but she doesn’t make a move to adjust their positions either, so Ava takes that as a _yes_ and holds her, if only for the night.

Ava wakes up the next morning, too early, to the sound of muffled sobs. She can feel the way Sara’s body is shaking in her arms and Ava wishes there was anything she could do to ease this pain from Sara, from the woman who owns her heart.

She just pulls Sara closer to her, pressing a soft kiss to the junction of her neck and shoulder as Sara lets out sob after sob. Before long, Sara’s crying ceases and Ava can tell she’s fallen asleep again. She holds her for a little while longer before untangling herself from Sara and getting out of bed.

Ava takes all the dishes down from yesterday, clearing them and putting them into the dishwasher before plating herself and Sara up some toast, fruit and coffee. She places it all on a tray, along with grabbing her work bag containing her laptop and files and heads back up the stairs. She sets the tray down at the foot of the bed, placing Sara’s plate on the nightstand and situating herself in her bed, laptop on her lap, files strewn out in front of her and her plate balanced next to her.

She works quietly, typing out all her information in between pauses to hold Sara’s hand as she wakes up crying.

Sara gets up to use the bathroom once and that is the first moment Ava sees her face in days. She barely sees it, but the moment she does, it breaks her. The once strong woman, with fierce, fiery eyes and determination is a hollow shell behind sad, bloodshot eyes. Their eyes lock for only a moment as Sara pulls back the comforter and slides back underneath it, tugging it tightly around her body as she faces away from Ava again.

Ava wishes Sara would look at her, wishes she would do something other than ignore her, wishes she would let her in, to try and help ease the pain. But she knows Sara, even with as short of time they’d been together, she still knows Sara and knows that Sara won’t let her in until she’s ready.

It’s silent for a few more moments and then Ava goes back to typing away on her laptop.

“I couldn’t be on the ship any longer.” The voice is hoarse and scratchy, clear that it had been raw from crying.

It stops Ava’s typing and she tears her gaze from the laptop to stare at Sara.

Still facing away from her, Ava hears Sara continue. “I didn’t know where else to go. I just knew I wanted you, no matter what.” She sniffles back tears. “So, thank you.” She says softer.

Ava slides her laptop and files to the floor, settling into her bed and pulling the comforter around herself before reaching across Sara’s body for her hand. She pulls Sara tighter against her and tucks her face against the crook of Sara’s neck as a sob shakes through the smaller woman’s body.

“I’m here, Sara. I’m here.” She says softly.

Sara just lets out another cry.

Ava wakes up to a rumbling stomach and realizes they skipped dinner last night, having fallen asleep to Sara’s whimpers and just continuously holding her tight. A smile forms on her lips as her eyes fall on Sara’s face, the smaller woman having finally found comfort enough to curl into her in the middle of the night and face her. She misses seeing Sara’s face, even with how broken it had looked lately. She presses a soft kiss to Sara’s forehead before slipping out of bed and bring the dishes down the stairs.

She returns to the room later with the tray, pancakes plated on two plates and some fruit on another along with two cups of coffee. She sets one coffee on the nightstand for Sara and sets the tray on the bed before sitting down, pulling it closer and picking at her food, reaching for her laptop on the floor.

Sara sits up in the late afternoon, long after Ava’s finished her breakfast and the smaller woman picks at a few pieces of fruit before taking a sip of the cold coffee and then laying back down on the bed. She faces Ava this time, watching with sad eyes as she types away on the laptop. Ava knows something’s coming. She can feel it. The way Sara was opening up a little bit more, her walls breaking down just a tiny bit more. She sits quietly, gently typing away aimlessly at her emails, ready for whenever Sara is.

Sara fixates her stare on Ava’s hands, typing away at the keyboard. She refuses to look anywhere else even though Ava’s hands stop typing and Ava’s looking down at her.

“I don’t even know why I’m so upset. I didn’t want it to begin with, but I couldn’t terminate it.” Sara says quietly. To Ava it sounds like she almost doesn’t trust her voice to even speak. “I didn’t want a baby, I didn’t want to be a mom, but I couldn’t terminate it, couldn’t give it up.”

Ava reaches for Sara’s hands with her left hand and surprisingly, Sara doesn’t pull back. She gives them a light squeeze, letting her know she can continue because she’s _there_.

“I’ve lost my sister, Snart, and Stein, Jax, Wally, Amaya, _you,_ but I couldn’t lose this baby because I’ve already lost so many people in my life already.” Sara stares at their hands now and it takes everything in Ava to refrain from kissing her, because she knows they both don’t need that right now, to add mixed feelings into this mess. “It was all I had, I couldn’t give it up.” A few tears manage to slip out but Sara continues. “So I was slowly getting used to the fact that I was going to have a baby. I’d only known for two weeks and finally I was accepting that it was happening. And then it wasn’t. It was all gone. And I lost everything, all over again.” Ava watches the tears fall from Sara’s cheeks onto the pillow and sheets beneath her head.

“You haven’t lost me, Sara.” Ava promises.

Sara doesn’t reply to her but continues to let Ava hold her hand. Ava does her best to work with one hand for a while before giving up, putting her laptop on the floor and grabbing a book from the nightstand beside her, figuring it was easier to read one handed. She watches as Sara stares at their hands blankly before ultimately falling asleep.

Ava manages to read a few more chapters in the book before deciding she’d waited long enough and cleans up, picking up their plates and cups and heads into the kitchen to fix dinner. She pulls out the ingredients to make grilled cheese for herself and Sara and sets away on cooking.

She ascends the stairs with the fresh made sandwiches bringing up a beer for each her and Sara. She knows Sara shouldn’t be drinking right now, but she doesn’t care at this moment. And by the pattern she’s seen, she wouldn’t be surprised if Sara doesn’t finish the beer either.

She doesn’t.

She watches as Sara takes a few bites of the sandwich, a swig of beer and then lays back down in bed, reaching for Ava’s hand again, now that she was back.

It was progress. Slow, but visible.

Her phone wakes her up the next morning and she’s surprised to see Ray Palmer’s contact flashing up at her. Hesitantly, she looks over at Sara, sleeping soundly, Ava’s left hand tucked in Sara’s hands as she slept. She unlocks her phone, rolling to her back and answers the call.

“Hey, Ray.” She greets quietly.

“ _Ava? Oh thank God. Hi. I know you probably don’t know, but Sara left the team. I’m just worried about her now, though. We haven’t heard from her since she’s left and I know things were tense between the two of you, with the breakup and all, but you haven’t heard from her, have you_?” Ray rambles on.

Ava stares up at the ceiling, thinking about the last time she’d seen Sara, two weeks ago, before she’d shown up on her doorstep crying.

_“I’m pregnant.” The words echo in her ears and she feels like her hands are sweating. “It’s John’s. From when we slept together in the asylum.” Her heart stops beating in her chest. She doesn’t know how to process this information. They’d just,_ **_just_ ** _gotten back together again after defeating Mallus and finding her footing and Ava trying to deal with the fact that she was a clone. That was enough to deal with and now, now this?_

_A baby._

_She feels the blood rushing in her head._

_“You’re going to terminate it, right?” Ava asks, assumes. She knows they aren’t ready for a baby. Hell, she’s pretty certain Sara doesn’t even want kids. “We don’t want kids, right? We–we haven’t talked about this. We just got back to being us. A baby’s going to complicate this. Sara–”_

_“Ava,” Sara’s voice is quiet, sad. “I–I can’t.” She says and Ava looks away, tears forming in her eyes._

_“Do you even want kids, Sara?” Ava asks. She can’t do this. She just got Sara back. She can’t lose her again. She doesn’t want to._

_“No.”_

_“Exactly. You don’t want kids. I don’t see why this is even a problem?” Ava says, genuinely confused._

_The tears well up in Sara’s eyes as she looks at Ava, glares at her. “Get out. Just–just get out. Go.” She says coldly._

_Ava stares at her, a sad look gracing over her features as she relives this moment again. She opens a portal and steps through, watching Sara watch her walk away this time. “I’m sorry, Sara.”_

“Yeah, Sara’s here. She’s been here.” Ava says, pulling herself out of her own mind.She hears Ray go on about something else, but she’s only half paying attention. “What–what all happened last week?” She asks tentatively. She feels Sara fidget in her sleep but glancing over at the woman, she sees her still asleep.

_“I heard her scream, like never before.”_ Ray says softly.

_The goggles are over his face as he tinkers with a piece on his suit, welding it together to fix it after the last mission they were just on. It’s quiet on the ship at the moment. Most of the team was asleep and he assumed Mick was probably up drinking a beer when he heard the blood curdling scream. He’d never heard anything so terrifying in his life._

_He drops his tools, throwing the mask off his face and follows the screams. “_ **_Captain Lance’s quarters_ ** _.” He hears Gideon from above._

_His heart races at the thought of Sara being the one to have conjured that noise. “Sara!” He shouts as he rounds the corridor to her quarters. Gideon already has her door open and the light flickers on as his eyes land on her body in her bed._

_Blood._

_So, so much blood._

_“Are–are you okay? Are you hurt?” He asks, panicked._

_Her face is paler than he’d ever seen before. She curls her knees up to her chest as she leans against the headboard of her bed, sobs wracking her small frame. Quiet “No’s” spilling from her lips like a mantra._

_“Sara?”_

_There’s no reply but Ray’s more than panicked and he takes it upon himself to carry her to the medbay in her seemingly catatonic state. He summons Gideon to wake Zari and meet them in the medbay as he lays Sara down in a chair and Gideon scans her._

_“_ **_My condolences, Captain Lance_ ** _,” Gideon starts after she finishes her exam. “_ **_but I no longer can detect a fetal heart rate_ ** _.”_

_“Fetal what?” Zari says as she steps in the medbay. Her eyes land on a blood soaked Sara and her brain catches up to her. “Oh.” She says quietly. “Sara, I’m so sorry.”_

_Together, Zari and Ray stay with a crying, catatonic Sara until her sobs fade into silence and Zari looks at the captain._

_“Let’s go get you cleaned up.” She urges. “Ray, fix her room.” She orders as she takes Sara with her, supporting the blonde as she leads them both to the bathroom of the ship._

_Zari turns on the shower and pulls Sara under the spray, helping her peel the wet clothes from her body. She looks down, trying to spare some of Sara’s dignity and give her a little privacy as she watches the water turn bright red and wash down the drain._

_She helps Sara rinse it all away and stops her from scrubbing her body raw to rid the blood from porcelain skin. She steps out in soaking wet clothes and grabs the towel, wrapping it around Sara’s body and guiding her to sit on the closed toilet seat._

_Zari helps her step into a pair of sweats and pull a sweatshirt over her head before drying Sara’s hair with the blowdryer._

_Sara looks up at Zari after she’s done. “I have to go. I have to get off the ship. I need to leave.” She stammers out._

_Zari watches as Sara walks out of the bathroom and disappears._

_Ray startles as Sara rushes back into her room as he’s trying to change her sheets and fix her bed. She watches as Sara shuffles around her room, shoving things aside and pulls out a time courier. She clicks it and steps through, turning around. “Take care of the team.” He hears her say before she closes the portal and disappears._

Ava can feel the tears slipping down her cheeks. “I need to go, Ray. I–I’ve got her, I promise.” She says, not waiting for a response before hanging up the phone.

Ava places a kiss to Sara’s forehead and untangles her arm from Sara’s grasp, slipping out of the bed and out of her room. She needed to breathe. She needs to get out of the apartment for right now.

She wished she had just been there for Sara.

_Why couldn’t she have just been there?_

She crawls back into bed, way past a reasonable hour and Sara’s back is towards her. She stares up at the ceiling as the tears start to fall again. She’d spent most of today at the park not far from her apartment. She needed to be away from Sara, just for the moment, just so she could think.

But now that she was back. All her emotions came flooding back to her.

“I love you.” She breathes out. It’s the first time she’s said it to Sara. Sara’s said it twice, once right after she’d found out she was a clone and then again when they were trying to defeat Mallus. Then they’d decided to take things slow again and she told Sara she wasn’t ready to say it back, yet.

And then Sara found out she was pregnant, and Sara told her to get out, again. And she hadn’t gotten to say those three little words to her yet. But she’s saying them now.

“I love you.” She repeats again. She wants to do something to fix this. She wants Sara back. She needs to fix them. She can’t do this any longer, watch Sara break like this. It’s breaking her.

She turns onto her side, tucking her face into the crook of Sara’s neck and wrapping her arm around her, her hand searching for Sara’s for a moment before finding it. Soon she falls asleep, before she can hear Sara’s soft voice in reply.

“I love you too.”

The sun creeps through the blinds again and today it manages to shine directly in her eyes. She blinks her eyes open, dazed, confused why the sun is in her eyes but realizes the warm body that is usually curled up in her arms is no longer there.

She hears noise in the bathroom before the door opens and Sara shuffles out, pulling back the covers and sliding beneath them, looking at Ava with a blank expression. She tugs at Ava’s arms and Ava complies, letting Sara pull them around her as she tucks herself into Ava’s embrace. Ava hugs her close, letting her fall back to sleep before Ava manages to come up with a plan to fix things.

She rolls Sara out of her arms and gets up without waking her. She takes note that it’s now closing in on the afternoon hours and slips downstairs feeling the emptiness in her stomach, not remembering what she last ate, or when. 

She pulls out the box of macaroni and cheese from the cabinet, cooking it according to the package directions before piling it into two bowls and bringing them back upstairs with her.

“Sara, wake up.” She says firmly, sitting in her bed. She sets her bowl of Mac and cheese in her lap and nudges Sara awake. “You need to eat something today.”

Sara’s eyes open and she stares back at Ava but she doesn’t reply or make a move to sit up.

“You’ve barely eaten anything in the past week. I can’t watch you do this to yourself. You need to get up and eat.” She states firmly.

Sara sits up and the motions are almost robotic but Ava’s hopeful as she watches her sit up and turn towards Ava. Ava holds the food out to her but Sara’s expression soon fades from blankness to hurt to anger.

“I lost a _baby_ , Ava.” Sara snaps at her. “I know, let me just go sleep with John and fix this. Then you don’t have to feel bad. I’ll try and get pregnant again. Don’t worry. That should fix it, right? That will make it better for you? So you can stop feeling so sorry for me? Let me just call him right up, I’m sure he’ll be happy to fuck a baby into me again. Maybe this way I won’t feel so empty either.”

Anger, bargaining.

Ava knows it. They’re key stages of grief. She realizes Sara’s been going through them. From the story Ray had told her, she’d already covered the shock and denial. Ava could clearly define the state she’d been in since being with Ava was spiraling into a deep depression, and now, here came the anger and bargaining.

She can’t fault her for that. They’re the stages of grief and coping.

“I know you did. And I’m sorry, Sara.” She says softly. Her eyes don’t quite meet Sara’s. She doesn't think she can handle seeing the pain in them anymore.

“Are you, though?” Sara snaps again, and it hurts. It genuinely hurts her. “You didn’t want this to being with.”

Ava feels her heart crack in her chest.

Sara’s not _wrong_.

But she’s not _right_ either.

She just stands up, placing the bowl of food for Sara on the nightstand next to the bed and takes her own with her, heading towards the stairs.

“I thought you loved me? Now you’re just leaving again?” She hears Sara shout. _Sara heard her?_ It hurts just a little bit more now.

She can’t deal with the anger right now. She descends the stairs leaving Sara alone.

There’s weight on her chest and it’s compressing her in the slightest. It freaks her out and her eyes fly open, her chest heaving for a moment before she comes face to face with a mass of blonde hair. She doesn't know when she had fallen asleep, but evidently she must have.

Sara was lying squished on top of her on the couch, asleep in her arms, tucked between her and the back of the couch.

Sara was downstairs.

Out of bed.

Back in her arms.

She wraps her arms around the blonde, shifting to hold her better, hoping it wouldn’t be the last time.

She tucks a lock of Sara’s hair out of her face and the sensation of Ava’s fingertips gracing Sara’s features pulls the smaller blonde from her slumber as her blue eyes flutter open.

They lie there for a moment, just staring at each other, content in the moment.

“Hi.” Ava says softly, running her hand over Sara’s hair. She’s tucked so tightly against Ava and Ava revels in the feeling of her being so close.

“I’m sorry.” Sara says softly, looking at her. “I’m sorry for lashing out like that––”

“Sara, no. You’re grieving––”

“That doesn’t mean I’m allowed to treat you like my personal punching bag.” She says. “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.” Sara says, looking away.

Ava tilts her chin up, forcing Sara to meet her eyes. “I’m sorry, too. I am. I don’t know what you’re going through but you shouldn’t have to go through it alone.”

And Ava’s heart starts to beat harder in her chest as Sara offers her up a weak, tiny smile. “I didn’t. You–You’ve been here. You’ve been _right_ _here_.” She says softly.

“I’m sorry you lost the baby.” Ava says, running her fingers through Sara’s hair.

“Me too.” Sara adds softly. _Acceptance_ , Ava notes.

They lie there contently for another moment, Ava just holding Sara before the feeling in her chest becomes overwhelming again.

“I love you.” She says with a smile.

Sara lifts her head up looking at Ava.

“I love you, too.” She says before laying her head back down on Ava’s chest. “We’re going to figure this out, right? You and me?”

“We’re going to figure this out.” Ava promises.

“Good. I can’t lose anyone else, especially not you.”

Ava shifts just enough to be able to be level with Sara’s face and she leans in, pressing her lips to Sara’s for the first time in a while. It’s soft, and passionate and it conveys all the words left unspoken between them. It feels like love. It feels right. It feels like coming home.

**Author's Note:**

> come cancel me on twitter at @gayvasharpe my rights are ready to be revoked I am sorry for this


End file.
